Today, my debut novel, “Fool’s End,” has been out in the world, for an entire year!
When I began writing this novel, around my 35th birthday, I just KNEW this was my calling. I KNEW my people would champion me, share the things I created that go along with my story, and that my author journey would be the most exciting experience of my life.
I will say, I’m definitely enjoying being “Author Ash,”, but it is much different than I expected.
For months, I was so sad about the lack of acknowledgement. People who say they love me, and who would get to experience the goodness I’m told my presence brings, literally dropped off the face of the planet.
It was so weird to me.
That discomfort actually made me accept many truths I couldn’t see, before. I would excuse the weirdness, and ignore the little things that made me feel like I wasn’t being loved in the way that I love. It’s something I have experienced time and time again. Any time I did something for myself, that had nothing to do with anyone else, energies would shift. I would feel so crazy, sometimes, because I’m usually so sure I’m the problem. That’s always how people would make me feel, at least.
I have done many things, and I would feel like it was never good enough, to be acknowledged. I love celebrating my people, but when it comes to me? That’s not even a thought. Or so it seems. I don’t know, because I don’t live in any of those moments—they do not exist with me, in reality.
This new thing—that I did all on my own, in such a short amount of time—was such a big deal, to me. This thing was something I would put off, in fear of being too far in the world as myself. My creativity is endless, and that’s something people only seem to like, when it’s for them. No one understands my mind, outside of it working for them. With this reality, my imagination would often intimidate me, and with all the things I am consistently dealing with, I was genuinely so proud of myself, for just doing the damned thing!
I’m even more proud, now.
I allowed myself to be okay, with distancing the fake love. I released my need to be appreciated by people who already made me shrink, in order to be acceptable in their worlds. I released my need to be less, in order to feel the love I thought I needed. It’s funny, because I was already on this path, working to loving myself more, and fully leaning into embracing this life of mine, since 2024. I still couldn’t imagine not seeking validation from my loved ones, back then. I’m so happy that’s no longer the case!
I went through the stages of grief, but I spent quite a bit of time, living in rage. my “End’s Beginning” dedication, acknowledgements, and author’s note were written in the tail end of that, and I left them, to remind myself of my worth.
I can’t go back to caring so much more, than everyone else.
I refuse to continue holding back the things that made others feel like I was too much. The truth is, they clearly weren’t enough.
I am, though.
Yesterday, I released book two of my “A Lesson in Forever” Series.
I also have one novella on preorder and another I need to schedule the release for, soon.
I’ve been a one woman show, writing (Always from my head, never ever with any of that ai bullshit. YUCK! I’m editing, creating my covers, formatting, the whole shebang!
I love everything about it.
I’ve been teaching myself to draw.
I’ve been paying more attention to my prose, and allowing my words to stay on the page, instead of dumbing down.
I’ve been experimenting in the kitchen again, to share recipes for my books, (since Lailani is a wannabe chef).
I’ve decided to try getting my voice back, and I’ve released a single (it’s terrible, but I did it, and I’ll keep going, until I’m good again). I’m still writing and creating every day, and it’s so fulfilling.
I love seeing my things come to life. I love being my own muse, too. Actually, Lailani and Lonayla were never supposed to take on my physical appearance, but I officially allowed them to, in book two. Now, I’ve opened up the possibilities of visual marketing for this series.
I love this for me.
In the next year, I plan to have released more of the things that make me happy, and attracting an audience that cares about the effort I put into my work. I will also start putting out works that aren’t part of this particular series. I have so many more stories I’ve already begun, and others that exist in my mind, just waiting to be made reality.
I’m still very much invisible in the book world, and it’s both humbling, and exciting. I will know what it was like to be an unknown author, who had to really be patient, for their readers to come. I write in layers, and one of those layers will always have something meant to inspire and motivate. I believe people need my stories. They just haven’t come across them, yet.
Everything in time.
This is likely all over the place, and doesn’t flow the way I wanted, because I’m tired, and barely keeping my eyes open. I’ll come back (probably not) to edit, but I literally woke up nauseous, and it’s been a pretty miserable day.
I wanted to post this for myself, really. To come back to next year.
Anyway, self, you are incredible. You are beautiful, and you are worthy of everything you believe you are. Keep up the good work, baby! Also, because you love this, here are a few cute pics from a random day you forgot about, while scrolling your camera roll, like a week ago. We’re ugly at the moment, but we still look like this, for the most part, lol
Happy one year bookaversary, Ashleigh!
Keep being a bad ass book bitch! 💕
