There’s such a massive part of me that is so terrified of being negatively perceived.
For anything…
The thing is, I KNOW not many people think the way I do, and so I need to get out of my own head about people not getting what I have to give. I create in ways others may not comprehend, and this goes for pretty much everything… literally… I live outside of the box.
So, with that being said, I have not the slightest clue how others will hear my voice, on my song.
I wrote this song for my character, Lailani, (there is an entire EP, but… yeah), and I recorded it to sound like she was a bit stressed, basically begging for that man, but the more I listen, the more I hate it. I hate that for me. I put it on the book two playlist, and it goes with the flow, but sounds awful, with the rest of the songs.
My voice started fading years ago. I have two illnesses that affect my ability to breathe, and use my voice as I wish, which is also why I decided to record my own audiobooks, because I have no choice but to fight against it.
If you know anything about my diagnoses, you know I’m technically terminal, but I have forced my body to do what I need, because I am this way. I refuse to allow illness or disability to define me, which is why I am still alive, years after I was told I wouldn’t be.
Me trying to explain, is so annoying, since my song is technically out. I just haven’t shared it, because don’t want people laughing at me.
People haven’t really gotten into my book, and the ones who know me, personally, pretend my book posts don’t exist. So, I don’t even know if anyone will hear the song, and all of my stress about it could be for naught.
I am such a perfectionist, but my voice and ability are actually out of my control… for now, because now, I refuse to not push myself to get back to who I once was.
I swear, when I get my voice back, I won’t waste it.
Especially knowing use it or lose it is a real thing.
This is crazy.
Anyway, there are a few videos that have some more yapping about this process, after the character visuals, below. If you care.
Listen to the song, but this is hard enough for me, as it is. So, keep the bad vibes away from me.
Update: I deleted it, but I put it back, with an update… still not my fav, but I decided to just let it be, for real.
Thanks.
K, love you. Bye.
