It’s been such a wild ride of a lifetime, man…
I’ve endured so much, and I have overcome the worst things, but lately?
I’ve been hanging on by a freaking thread.
Back in 2024, just before my birthday, I had no other choice than to shift my entire existence into being almost superhuman. I had to pretend I was healthy, and to remove my own needs, or else I knew the needs of others was going to kill me. I was going through hell, mentally, but due to my overly obsessive personality, I knew in faking, I would convince my mind, and body, that I was fine.
It worked well, for a time. I have an update on my wellness here, if anyone reads this and finds themselves interested.
Recently, I’ve been so overwhelmed, and as much as I hate to say it, I have been struggling with keeping myself from giving in to my sadness.
I am not even 100% sure what’s making me as sad as I am, but everything I feel, has been piling up. I’ve been trying to accept that my own needs cannot be met in this lifetime, but that’s been so hard, because why? Like, why have I always had to be the one who cannot experience everything I wish, without having to minimize? Why must I continue to survive, with no real joy of my own?
I’ve always been everything for everyone else, but I’ve yet to have the opportunity to be anything for myself.
It just gets hard sometimes.
I have lost so much of my light, over the years.
I will always shine, but I’ve definitely dimmed a lot more than I should have, and I feel like it’s because I feel so small, most of the time. I feel insignificant, and forgotten, by the people I care most about, and it’s a little discouraging, when I’m trying to express my need for help, but no one hears me.
I have always preferred being alone, but I hate feeling lonely.
I have so much love inside of me, and I try to make sure it’s felt, but lately, it’s literally just me, screaming into the void, to be remembered.
I hope they hear me, before it’s too late. Before my body decides not to let me keep going.
That’s the thing, really… even if I don’t let myself mentally reach the end of my rope, I don’t know how my body is actually dealing, under my facade of normalcy. I don’t know if in my need to pretend, I have convinced myself everything is fine, and it really isn’t. I’ve recently experienced such strange symptoms, and I catch my body trying to force me to listen to the pain, but I can’t, when others need me.
But I also need me, and I can’t show up for myself.
No one else cares to show up for me, either.
So, what do I do?
I’ve been throwing myself into trying to better my life, for this past few years, and for the most part, it’s kept me sane.
I’ve managed to maintain my straight A’s, in my overwhelm, so I’m very proud of myself, for that. The semester is over, and while I was looking forward to summer classes, those have had to be cancelled. I’m unsure if I’ll even be able to continue this degree, if things don’t get better, for me. I can’t keep overextending myself, and as much as I love school, I unfortunately have other obligations, that take priority, so that would have to be what I delay… again. I’ve got to take it easy, because I really am a sick person, no matter how I choose to look, to everyone else.
My author journey excites me, even though there’s been close to no support for that, at all. I thought I was okay with knowing my people don’t give a shit, until I locked in my release date for book two, after having to push it back, a few months ago. I’m still a bit hurt, but I shall continue, anyway. It’s actually quite calming. I love how my imagination works, and I am not locked into deadlines through the writing process. So, I can, thankfully, keep myself in the fictional worlds I love to create, for a few hours a week, when I am unable to sleep. That’s a pocket of peace I know I can keep. I love creating things, and one of my earliest coping strategies to my consistently unlucky existence, has been made up stories, filled with love, magic, and family that loves beyond anything. I’m grateful to my overworked mind, for not yet blocking me from that part of myself.
I know I’ll be okay, because I have to be. I just wish this misery weren’t so familiar.
I pray my loved ones remain safe and healthy, and that the health of them all, is greater than it has ever been, this year, and that they continue on paths to consistent wellness. I pray no one else has to feel the way I do, and that because they have each other, they’re all always able to feel good about their days.
I only want the best for everyone… even when I’m living the opposite.
Hopefully, the blessings I’ve felt around me, find their mark, and soon. Otherwise, I’ll just have to keep trying not to leave here before it’s time to.
Sadness cannot have me for long, so I know it’ll all be fine, and I’ll look back at this, glad I stayed true to my heart, and didn’t change into a person who abandons everything and everyone they love, in trying times.
Grateful for life. May it be well.
I’ve watched Beyoncé’s Black is King thrice, this week. I’ve gotta find my way back to me. Can’t give sadness my power.
Get into this incredible work of art at the link above, and enjoy this song that’s presently speaking to me, about being bigger than all the struggles.
Beyoncé is always able to pull me out. Even if I fall back in, I know I’ll breathe, again.
