…To FLY!
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
—Maya Angelou
I’ve never been one for boundaries or rules, so if it comes as a surprise to anyone that I’m still alive in spite of literally everything I’ve been through, that’s crazy for you.
It’s been about eight years since the nonstop doctor’s visits, anxieties, and side-eyes that eventually led up to me being diagnosed with both lupus and stiff person syndrome—more commonly referred to as SPS. If you know the full extent of what I went through almost six years ago, you know I was not interested in anything those doctors said about how the rest of my life would go.
Sure, it was a little scary not knowing what was coming, and being unable to have any control over my body and my circumstances, but I knew I’d figure out how to make the best of a messed up situation.
In the last year, I have decided to pretend I am a healthy person, so that I could live a normal life. It hasn’t been without challenges, but I am not currently dependent on medications, oxygen, or mobility aids—so I’ll say it’s a win. We live in a world where things that are outside of the norm are treated like wrongs. I was tired of being looked at like I was less than, and it was not conducive to my happiness to deal with the negative opinions about what I should look like, act like, or share about MY health.
I’ve been feeling very good about this, honestly.
While every day is not the same, and I cannot always do the whole fake-it-till-i-make-it thing, I have not felt the consuming weight of depression. It has been 15 months of not taking mood stabilizers, or trying to talk myself out of a panic attack. This has been a beautiful journey, and I shall keep going for as long as I can!
I have so many good things I have been working on in this time, and I am excited to start sharing some of the things I have kept private. I am so freaking proud of myself! I have always been a goals gal, but ever since illness took over, I wasn’t sure I would actually reach any of them. That feeling was the worst, because no one wants to kick the bucket and not have lived life to the fullest, right? Well, I’ve decided that I have both no time and all the time in the world, so I’m just letting my thoughts become things!
If you visit here, you’ll get the gist of my early SPS diagnosis days, and some of the things I have experienced. I will also share some of the things I went through over the years that I was too saddened about to tell, but I’m so glad I am not there anymore. I’ve always handled all this disability stuff well, but now, I feel like it’s only a little whisper in the back of my mind, and not this raging fire, holding me under.
At least in my head.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy the things I bring to you in this space I have created to share parts of me! If no one else cares, it’s cool, because I do. I am so excited about all of the things I plan to do. I have so much g to accomplish before I leave here, so it’s long overdue.